REVIEW: MacLyon by Lolah Burford (1974)

Fugly cover

★★
Lolah Burford seems to be a love-her-or-hate-her kind of author. After reading this, my first Burford, I wouldn't say that I hate her (much) - more that I don't get her. Throughout the entire book, I kept thinking, "Why did she write it that way? Is there something deep here I'm simply not seeing? Because, wow, this dialogue is crap, and the rest is no great shakes either." Or something like that.

On more than impulse, on a compulsion she did not reason with, she followed the little group, in the crowd, past the Cross and Stone, past the apple tree beside both among whose last pink and white blossoms and young leaves hung the naked mutilated body of what had been a Highland man, pushing ahead of them, and after a time, as she had somehow known she would, she saw Diar's black head and his unlaughing face set in lines she almost did not recognise and his eyes that swept over her and past her, unseeing, and did not see her, and his large hands lost in the heavy bands of iron constraining him, and his leg irons about his neck, for him to carry.

Sorry, I got buried in commas and passed out from lack of oxygen. Hand me the smelling salts and let me dig my way out.

The plot is a pretty slow mover since only a few things happen over and over. Diarmid MacLyon is coming home from a bender, sees the pretty Mary Elisabeth Grant, and decides to abduct and marry the maiden and ravish her mercilessly. But his dad is not pleased about his house getting trashed during the merry revels, so he kicks Diarmid out, naked as a jaybird. The young lad makes his way back home just in time to see King George's troops, on a post-Culloden Moor vengeance trip, hang his dad and the entire company take turns with pretty Mary. He barges in and gets strung up himself, but Mary's connections with an officer get him out of the noose and thrown into prison. From there, he winds up an indentured servant in the colonies while Mary sleeps with every man who crosses her path in order to get money/protection/influence on her mission to save the butt of the man who - after the hangover - really hates her guts.

REVIEW: Tessa of Destiny by Leigh Ellis (1980)

★★1/2
Oh Tessa, Tessa...you deceptive little strumpet. With your delicious Charles Geer cover that promised all kinds of winsome little delights, you delivered a meandering, tepid little tale of dull writing, listless sex, a total idiot of a heroine, and a flaccid beta of a hero.

Alas, the Cover of Sparkleh doth hoodwink me again.

Tessa del Destino, daughter of a famous Inammorata in a Commedia dell'Arte troupe in 1640s Italy, flees her mother's graveside when the nasty troupe manager Rudolpho pounces on her as his next mistress. In tow is Rene, the Arlecchino of the troupe, and her childhood friend. Her destination is the court of her father, Albrecht von Wallenstein (not the real-life guy), but she arrives just as they're putting him in his tomb.

Unwelcome, she and Rene beat cheeks out of town and make their way to Paris, where the new lovers get parted when Tessa flits off with a playwright-rogue who promises her a sweet role in his new play. Matters quickly fall into the crapper - as do all Tessa's affairs of the heart and loins - and she runs off to England to find Rene again. But the Cromwellian regime has other plans for Tessa, and she finds herself held captive in a brothel. Not to be thwarted, she manages to get to Spain on Rene's trail, but Philip IV has some nefarious bedtime plans for our dear dimwit instead.

To say that this was an uneven book is putting it mildly. The entire first half was pretty boring, as Tessa and Rene walk around Europe and meet up with other people, only to walk off and meet others. Or Tessa flits off naively and has blindingly inane logic smack her upside the head with a massive Stupid Stick.

REVIEW: Cynara by Janis Flores (1979)

★★★★
When Cynara's daddy dies, she makes the nasty discovery that no only she is now dirt poor, but her guardianship has been transferred to a distant cousin and her husband. Far from being a pampered and welcome houseguest, Cynara is made a servant and chased after and raped by both the master of the house and his spoiled son.

The only bright spot in Cynara's miserable new life is the sullen stable groom Evan, who is treated just as badly by his betters and only rarely lets his more sensitive side show to anyone. Though they both fall in love with each other, they keep the other at a distance and let events and circumstance keep them apart over and over. 

This one has both the good and bad of the old bodice rippers. Cynara is a rather capable and level-headed heroine...but she has a stupid streak that mercifully shows up very late in the game. Evan is super-swoonworthy (totes one of my favorites for all time), the damaged hero with an iron pride that keeps him going through all kinds of bad turns....but he is easily thwarted when he shouldn't be. The Big Misunderstanding starts out small...but it grows and grows by the end.

So there were plenty of teeth-grinding moments, especially after the halfway mark, but it started out very strong and carried me all the way through to the end and left me feeling very satisfied and happy that Flores wrote one other bodice ripper chunkster, Bittersweet.

REVIEW: The Second Sunrise by Francesca Greer (1981)

★★★★★
This book is brought to you by The Pit of Ultimate Darkness....

Meet the real authors of this goofy crackfest.

Greer's novel is a bizarre bodice ripper set in the disco era. The plot is something I doubt you've ever read on a back cover. One is either repulsed or fascinated. Naturally, once I read it, I had to get that bad boy in my grubby paws ASAP. My euphoric optimism usually bites me on the ass, but this one delivered.

(There are lots of spoilers and GIFs. You have been warned.)

The main character, Jenny Townsend, grows up in an orphanage until she is whisked away at age 17 by the 84-year old Simon Townsend, who has fallen in love with her at first sight. Since he's the benefactor of the place, the nuns have no problem handing her over to him as a wide-eyed innocent child bride.

Simon is a Florida corporatist, mega-rich in citrus and vegetables and grocery stores. He's got everything, except he can't bed his wife because of the little matter of it possibly killing his old ticker. But for three years they pet and fondle each other until Simon feels the end drawing near and tells Jenny of his Brilliant Plan that she must carry through after he's dead.

Which is to sleep with all of his grandsons and pick the one she feels love for.

Perfect plan! What could go wrong?

REVIEW: Romany Passions by Alexandra Ellis (1978)

Chokolade: Strange or Strangest Heroine Name Ever?

★★★
This was a pretty raw and tawdry little bodice ripper, though I thought it suffered from a bit of plot misdirection which had the hero completely vanish for the vast middle of the story. But in its place was a rather interesting picture of the late 19th century Austro-Hungarian Empire, with the doomed Crown Prince Rudolf as a significant character.

The story starts out with Chokolade and her gypsy clan camped out on the Hungarian plain as winter sets in. They'd be on the move already except her brother Gyuri is doing the horizontal mambo with a local countess and he won't leave. One night when Chokolade and Gyuri are at the castle putting on their smokin' hot dance show for the amusement of the local aristocrats, everything goes to hell and the two gypsies are forced to flee. But one of the guests, a Hussar captain called Sandor St. Pal, runs Chokolade to ground, rapes her repeatedly, and holds her prisoner in his quarters with all intents of ditching her when he gets sick of her.

But Chokolade isn't putting up with that crap and escapes with Gyuri to Budapest, where she becomes a famed dancer in the nightclubs and cafes. From here on out, Chokolade is in for a roller coaster of love and loss and sadistic hurt from the nasty-ass Viennese royal court. She does get her HEA, but is it ever long in coming.

Like I said, the hero Sandor vanishes from page 138 to 307. The heroine despises him but can't ever forget him and, of course, has weird feelings of love and passion for him. I thought that Crown Prince Rudolf was a far more interesting character but, alas, history has other plans for him so no happy ending from that quarter. But he gives the heroine some growth and food for thought in matters of the heart, as does his mother Empress Elizabeth (also destined for ill fortune). The romance part fell by the wayside here, but the hypocrisy of the Austrian aristocracy and the clash between the Austrian and the Hungarian elements of the empire was very interesting. The stuff that is the bread and butter of all those fluffy operettas was here, but so was the dark underbelly of it. Chokolade's marriage to an Austrian aristocrat was packed full of abuse and nastiness so that Sandor's callous rapey assholery actually looked like TLC.

I much preferred Ellis' other book The Last Carnival, but this one was still a worthwhile read. This period of history isn't the subject of many romances. I found it a good companion piece to Christine Monson's Surrender the Night, which takes place during an earlier attempt by Hungary to throw off Austrian rule. The conflict is still alive here forty years later, but the resistance is pretty raggedy and beaten.

If you like mean heroes and high dwama, it's worth a read. Sandor reminded me a lot of Prince Nikki from Susan Johnson's Seized by Love. Unfortunately, he might not be in the story enough to make it worth your time.

REVIEW: Sweet Piracy by Jennifer Blake (1978)

Hey, it's that Cover Model Dude again!

★★1/2
Chalk this book up as one of those romances utterly misrepresented by the description, the cover, and the title.

The story, briefly, is this: Caroline Pembroke is the English governess of a Creole family. This family gets a new neighbor at the adjoining plantation. This new neighbor, Caroline realizes, is the privateer that boarded her ship on a trans-Atlantic voyage and kissed her once. When she's not feeling funny feelings about this privateer neighbor, she's playing babysitter to two fractious Creole teenage girls who want to escape the stuffy confines of proper Creole conduct.

This book failed for me on a number of levels:

1) There ain't no pirates. The hero is a courtly, aristocratic privateer and we only see his privateering in a flashback and even then it's all very proper and everything. Description fail. Cover fail. Title fail.

2) There's more romance with the secondary characters than with the hero and heroine. In fact, the vast cast of second bananas suck up too much of the storyline. I have no problems with a story not focusing exclusively on the hero and heroine, but it was too much in the other direction.

3) Lack of chemistry between the hero and heroine. Because they got shafted in any kind of alone time, they really didn't have much opportunity to click without some idiot butting their head into the scene and causing a distraction.

4) The Creole atmosphere and chastity belt behavior code was certainly given attention and care, but the very propriety of it leeched over into the plot and made it read rather stuffy and dry too. The overall tone didn't really seem like a romance, but more a Comedy of Creole Manners.

2.5 stars, with that little extra because Maxwell/Blake can certainly write, but the bait and switch really bummed me out and the story didn't have much oomph from the get-go.

REVIEW: Fires of Winter by Johanna Lindsey (1980)

I recently endured a Buddy Read of Johanna Lindsey's Fires of Winter with our BR buddy, Sarah. While I still read Lindsey despite myself (because I'm a sucker for pain), I don't think Sarah will ever pick up another Lindsey title ever again. My pithy (and too generous) review is here. Sarah's epic review is the one that should be featured on the blog.  --Karla

★
Once upon a time, there was a warrior maiden of reluctant femininity who fell in love with the slightly emo (but always badass) second son of a noble family. 

...But this is not their story. This is FIRES OF WINTER, a bucket of dead tree barf that was cobbled into really cheap toilet paper, the sort of thing Eowyn & Faramir would use to wipe their dogs’ feet on a slushy winter morning. 

REVIEW: Passion's Sweet Sacrifice by Melissa Hepburne (1979)

★★★★
We here at Cads & Whores have already become acquainted with the bodice ripper stylings of one Melissa Hepburne (aka Craig Broude). Now, having read one of the she-male's books myself, I think Fern Michaels just got tossed off her "OMFG, this poorly-written shit is crazy awesome!" pedestal.

Passion's Sweet Sacrifice, looked at objectively, is Utter Crap, written by someone with only a passing acquaintance with the genre based solely on cash principles.

But sometimes that can be an asset, because rather than being one of many retreads of the same old stuff, Hepburne/Broude's ineptitude has a reckless and clueless fun about it that ends up making it stand out from the pack.

Or maybe that's just me. I know I won't be forgetting this one for a good long while. Probably never. No doubt I will still giggle about a crate of coconuts on my deathbed.

And then someone will decide it's time to smother me with a pillow.

There are no words to describe this book. Literally no words. I'm finding it difficult to even begin this review. Where do I even start?


Well, first off: the cover. That's Lord Larry of Olivier sportin' a Blue Max and canoodling with Marilyn Monroe. Cover artist be using The Prince and the Showgirl as inspiration.

Is the cover even remotely related to the story itself? Well, yes, "related" as in "being so very not like it." The Germans in the story? Bad guys. Very bad guys. Kinky bad guys. (Which suits me fine, but that's beside the point.) Where's the hero on this cover? This is a first for me: a cover where the heroine is draped over the villain.

And the planes? Well, yeah, there are Sopwiths and a Fokker Dreidecker in it, in a totally historically inaccurate way.

And yes, the heroine is indeed a scantily-clad showgirl. So 2 out of 3 ain't bad and I guess it is more correct than not. Sorta.

But it's not what's on the cover that rates it 4 solid stars. It's the relentless, crazyass WTFery inside that kept me glued and LOLing from nearly the first page to the very end. Ol' Craiggers doesn't pause for coherency or accuracy, and gives solemnity a kick in the nuts at every opportunity. This is vintage Fern Michaels crazy, but more tawdry and fun.

If I had to sum up this book in one paragraph, it would be:

The pink-haired Sabrina St. Claire gets pre-war raped in a Washington DC meadow by a nasty German, drugged, and married off. She then escapes from Tahiti in a crate of coconuts. In Paris, she becomes a spy and striptease dancer because the Heinies threaten to kill a British boyfriend, Mike. Meanwhile, she bangs an American Han Solo called Dallas Hunter. A mess hall of German officers do their kinky, ebil thing to Sabrina and a tied-down Mike. The Red Baron shoots all three of them down over the North African jungle, where they get all horny over each other. Sabrina gets amnesia and becomes a native tribe's sun goddess who gets routinely aroused by the best warrior and almost gets burned on a pyre. Dallas and Mike rescue her horny butt, she gets her memory fucked back into her, and they go back to France where the war is happening and stuff. More spy stuff! Devious French torture to our heroine's clitoris! A trial and firing squad and last minute rescue! Sabrina finally chooses which guy she wants to have impale her loins for all time.

And then I could finally breathe again. It's been a long time since I've laughed so hard and I enjoyed every minute of it. Sabrina is almost charmingly naïve, and her traitorous body keeps things humping along. Dallas Hunter really was awesome and I'm psyched that he got his own book (although the price tag on it in the used book market is outrageous). Mike was so typical Tally-Ho Brit defending virtue and honor that I looked forward to the next "Eh what, you blighter?" thing he'd say next.

Even though I quickly got the tone of the book, the totally whack history kept throwing me for a loop. I had no idea just when the story was taking place. Historical events and real people mentioned simply didn't match up. It didn't annoy me, however; merely left me utterly baffled.

The story itself doesn't pause to think or make sense. It just does stuff and moves on. As nutty as that pithy little summary is, it doesn't do it justice. This is something that has to be read to be believed. Read it with your tongue in your cheek, just like the author wrote it.

REVIEW: Defiant Ecstasy by Janelle Taylor (1982)

0 Stars (you read that right!)


The first in Janelle Taylor's Ecstasy series, Savage Ecstasy, was rather underwhelming - to put it mildly. I thought the only good thing about it was the hero, Gray Eagle, who was one of the alpha bastards I love so much. He's a ruthless and stoic sumbitch who bites the heroine's hand, doles out pain to anyone who pisses him off, and was a fresh breath of air from all the lame New Age-y Indian halfbreed heroes that are typical in romance. Sure the book had plenty of faults (oh so plenty!), but he made the 500 page slog worthwhile.

So I went into this one with lowered expectations for lame and juvenile writing, twacked history (cavalry bluecoats in 1775 Dakota???, use of the 24-hr military clock 150 years before its time?), and a heroine I wanted to harm in a multitude of ways. But there'd always be Gray Eagle to offset the suckage! Right????

Or so I thought.

I now bring you.....


Defiant Ecstasy: The Short Version

Alisha: The men at the fort think I'm an Indian-loving whore and want to sleep with me, and the women think I'm an Indian-loving whore and want me to die.

Men At Fort: What an Indian-loving whore. We want to sleep with her.

Women At Fort: What an Indian-loving whore. Die in a fire.

Alisha: Oh, I am so hated! White people suck! *weeps beautifully* At least you, Powchutu, are my friend.

Powchutu: *pines*

Alisha: It's been 66 pages already. I guess we should stop recapping the chapter of the last book and walk through that gate.

Powchutu: *follows*

Alisha: There's Gray Eagle, who would sack the fort if he didn't get me. Well, it's a sacrifice for me to go to a man who hates me, but what can I do? I wish he spoke English so he'd know how much I hate him and yet, oh yet!, love him.

Review: Bold Blades Flashing by Lorinda Hagen (1979)

Two out of five *'s
Reviews now with 100% more LOLcats and animated gifs!!!

Well now what to say, what to say...
Let's start out with the positive - this is unique! I doubt you will end up picking another book quite like it and the sheer amount of strange and WTF should keep you reading to the end. Hmmmmmm - oh yes, it has pirates! Pirates are always a plus - and this one features chick pirates! Yup that is about all I can think of on the positive side and there will be no way for me to explain this book without completely spoiling the whole thing - so if you want to go in blind, just read the description and jump on the crazy train.

Our story starts with young Garnet Shaw thrown alone into the world (she is pretty, yada, yada, yada, learned and her hair has the very cool ability to change from raven black to auburn within a few pages just like that Barbie you used to have). Her mother was killed in a tragic chipmunk attack. Her father is missing and presumed dead. He was the local vet and fell in love with a noble lady and they had an affair. Daddy turned up missing and the lady turned up dead. Before her death she gives Garnet some money and tries to convince her to move in with her for her protection. Of course our heroine ignores her and the lady ends up with a slit throat and Garnet's money ends up getting stolen. Now completely alone and penny less she steals some bread, gets caught and then gets rescued by a big man. He thinks she looks like his lost love and would have been the spitting image of a daughter he never had so he kinda sorta adopts her and her life on the sea begins. Skip a few years, everybody gets sick and dies except about four people on board. Garnet tries to take control, gets in a fight, almost gets raped and sold into slavery until she kills her attacker and then does take control of the ship - then pirates attack!!!

Of course the lead pirate is all sexy like and takes a liking to her and he falls into insta-love. Lot's of forced seduction on the high seas takes place. Then pirates attack the pirates!!!

And Mr. hot shot is no match for them. Garnet hides with his Aunt and they chop off their hair and dress like men. They sign the articles and join the rebel band of pirates. New pirate captain flogs old pirate captain (who he hates and they had a looooonnnnggg history which we will get into in a moment). Suddenly a shot rings out - he falls dead and up steps the renegade pirate soon to be captain and dum dumm dummmmmmmmb it's a woman!!!

She is Dell - real name Philadelphus (I think I spelled that right but I'm too lazy to now look it up). Turns out she is avenging the death of her missionary husband and baby daughter killed by the evil pirate captain and also she is the ex-lover of the flogged pirate captain (Jack Muldoon or Happy Jack). Book suddenly gives me whiplash by switching from 1st person POV to 3rd person in the blink of an eye!

Now Garnet is going to take a back seat for about the next hundred pages as we get to know Dell and Jack. Turns out Jack is the bastard son of a noble man and his Spanish mother made his father promise that he would adopt the boy and give him his name on her deathbed. Because he was afraid of evil Spanish deathbed curses he said okay. Flash forward, Jack's dad tells him he will settle on him an island off of the American coast and also has found him a cute Spanish bastard daughter of a nobleman to marry. Jack goes and meets her and she is pure angel/sweet/perfection so he says yes. He and his Aunt Becky and the proper older brother travel to Spain for the wedding. All is good until at the ceremony the bridges veil is blown in the wind and we discover that she is a deformed, hairy, snake chick!!!!

They run and shooting and stuff happens and blah blah - dazed and confused - what?? A hairy snake chick??? WTF?? Then they take to the seas, somehow become pirates and find a boat and end up on a little island. Snake chick's brother who is also the evil pirate captain goes to find him and exact revenge. He doesn't find him but finds a lot of missionaries and kills Dell's husband, lots of innocent natives and chops the head off her daughter! Jack comforts Dell (i.e. they bump uglies) and Dell goes on her mission for justice.
Whew okay then Dell dumps Jack off in the Bahamas and goes to take the boat back out as the captain. Jack is pissed and doesn't want to be left there he goes back to the boat, gets into a confrontation with her and ends up raping her (hey you know shit happens). In walks Garnet and immediately decides to join up with Dell and leave Jack. Jack runs away...

Now they do some pirate things and wind up in the new world where Dell is looking for her mother and father in law. She finds out she is preggers with Jack's kid. They find out that the colonists have burned out and killed Dell's family. They end up settling on an island that they think is Jack's island and building a house. Dell has the baby and they start to make clothes and dolls and doll houses and become all renowned and sought after. Each has a suitor and when they are almost ready to marry the suitor.... PIRATES!!!!

They attack and gang rape Dell, Garnet and their two servants - and they steal all their stuff. They survive and are ready to pick up the pieces of their life when the colonists row over in their boat and tell them they are evil woman and they are now charged with lewd and lavacious acts and told their kids are going to be taken away from them. Dell grabs some guns and threatens them and they leave. They now buy a boat, gather up an entire female crew and become pirates again!

Lots of pirate stuff ensues...
Book abruptly flips again back to 1st person POV from Garnet's perspective and again I'm like...

They run back into Jack and he marries Garnet and then they all share a strange 3-some relationship where Jack boinks Garnet and Dell and they both know and both of them don't care. Garnet gets knocked up they wind up back in America on another island all living together. Then they get caught up in the revolutionary war and Jack goes off to fight as does Dell. Garnet gives birth to triplets (one of which dies). Then we have the wrap up and Jack survives but Dell dies - hanged for being a pirate and a traitor. Jack and Garnet finally have their HEA on their little island.

Whew!!! I'm exhausted - that was weird.